A light at the end of the tunnel...maybe

After four long months, my hubby is finally coming home. Not because he is greatly better but his sentence is up. Apparently, healing has a limited warranty. Well he is improving and will probably be better at home but home is not really the best place for activity and therapy. There are too many stairs and no quick exit in an emergency. Insurance companies suck. I don't know what they are there for. You need to be a genius to complete all the endlesss forms to fill out. Shame on them especially since we are not responsible for the accident.
On a sad note and to add to the mounting disgust with a careless driver, my dear brother in law passed away. How sad that my husband has been so disabled that he was not able to travel and spend a last few days supporting his sister in law and sister as they held his hands in death.
Truly we must sometimes wonder at what people think when they do something STUPID and then further do they know the havoc they wreck in people's lives? too sad.
My heart goes out to those who lose family members.

In moderation

Not sure how much it takes to realize that there is a time to let go. I guess if we look at sign posts along the way it will become clear. I apparently need a battering ram. When it comes to visualizing a future my vision is 220/20 in both eyes. I can't believe that I am so happy due to a silly mix up on the phone. I was supposed to do a 12 hour shift tonight. Someone else is doing the first four. Happy....You bet! Four unplanned hours to myself. Like a dream.
Puppy is happy. Too many long hours for her to be alone. I can rest before I go in...a rarity. Time to think about how I want to live my life for the rest of my life.
Last week, one of my working badges fell apart. Poor quality was my thought. Then I leaned against a table and broke another one. Time to start thinking that maybe the universe is telling me something.
Thinking about what makes me feel content always comes back to the same theme. I am working with women, teaching them to find the pathways in life, sharing what I know and learning, still learning what I can. It makes no sense to run through the best years of your life carrying so many burdens. We can't have lived our lives to now thinking 'is this all there is?'

Crescent moon post

Dear Diary...sigh....
Another weekend gone. I am still in waiting mode, unable to get my life back to normal. Not my hubby's fault. He is also gone, not living at home, part time husband, part time patient. The travel is long and arduous and plans are so hard to make.
Meetings with people I don't know and don't care about, no extra money and on and on. Where does it all end?
On the upside, Tarot classes are going well. I had forgotten how much I love cards. I gave the women five reasons for wanting to purchase cards. Love of Art was on the list. Recently, against my better judgement, because I have over 100 tarot decks, I bought another. It is the new Vampire deck. Why? Well I love Bram Stoker's dracula. The deck is based on his story. One of the court cards has Pamela Coleman Smith and anyone who knows Tarot knows her. She is a hero to modern readers. And, if not she should be. I am balancing the Tarot and the travel and of course, I am writing again because it is the only thing which keeps my mind in the present.

Accessing friendship as a great resource

It has been such a hectic week. Change always seems to make everything bigger, harder, more complex. I suppose fatigue does the same but at least with change there is hope.
This week has been spent thinking about the wonderful ways in which friends support us. I once had the greatest friend in the world. She has passed on to summerland, as I like to call the after life. She taught me the real meaning of friendship. Even in death she has managed to draw on her energies to connect people. I thank her for returning a former friend to me. She is one of the few who can share stories of days past.
I am thankful for the friends I have now who worry about me coping with the change. I have learned to accept their support and know that I don't have to be the one to provide help.
My beautiful clematis are on the bloom. Someone commented that the purple ones look like neon. They are so bright and shiny. I love clematis. It is a creeping plant which flowers endlessly in the summer. Dr. Edward Bach used it for one of his flower remedies for 'spacey children' not paying attention, and those out of sync with life. That would be me now. I will post pictures of my flowers next time. Today I am just taking it easy.

Evaluating the change

It is the beginning of a new month. Things are a little brighter. I guess that I am getting used to the running up and down or perhaps it is just better because I have today off and I can consider the past weeks a success.
My hubby has transitioned into rehab care in quite a lovely facility. Everyone is older. The rehab is part of a seniors home. When you are already a senior, the residents are your peers. If you are 20 and with a 35 year old, the differences are so marked. At 68 and 85, the difference is less marked. Therefore, you can see yourself in decline rather than recovering. It is important to not get caught up in seeing yourself in this vision of aged and debilitated. It impedes recovery.
Last night I saw an elderly man freewheeling himself,( pushing himself with his feet in a wheel chair) hugging two teddy bears to his chest. He asked me if I was lost. I was. I got off on the wrong floor. I could eventually right myself. He never will.
There has been a lot of time for reflection, not in the way I am used to but in a life altering way. I wasn't ready for that a month ago. Now I am.

Regaining ground

When you have been off your feet for awhile, it is hard to get back up and move on. I am watching my hubby take those very small steps that will get him back. A move today from one room and floor to another will be a setback. surroundings are hugely important in feeling like you are making progress. When you are moved from a nice room with good care to one less well cared for and staff who don't approach their job with a feeling of self worth then it impacts the sense of well being for their patients.
My goal will be to get him out of there as quickly as possible. Depression is a big part of delaying the healing process. Since he suffers from these overwhelming bouts of sadness from time to time, I will have to watch him carefully.
Thankful for the writing which continues to help me to cope.

Coping with a major change in circumstance.

Tired, tired, tired.
Is there any hope for pain relief in the shoulder?
Well lots of folks have called offering to help. I am accepting all resources. Sleep is a good thing. I can't believe I am even too tired to write....but I am. Hubby is better but still in a lot of pain.
Hmmm....a new element on the periodic table. How about that. Watch Rachel Maddow...she is brilliant.