Friday, September 18, 2009

A light at the end of the tunnel...maybe

After four long months, my hubby is finally coming home. Not because he is greatly better but his sentence is up. Apparently, healing has a limited warranty. Well he is improving and will probably be better at home but home is not really the best place for activity and therapy. There are too many stairs and no quick exit in an emergency. Insurance companies suck. I don't know what they are there for. You need to be a genius to complete all the endlesss forms to fill out. Shame on them especially since we are not responsible for the accident.
On a sad note and to add to the mounting disgust with a careless driver, my dear brother in law passed away. How sad that my husband has been so disabled that he was not able to travel and spend a last few days supporting his sister in law and sister as they held his hands in death.
Truly we must sometimes wonder at what people think when they do something STUPID and then further do they know the havoc they wreck in people's lives? too sad.
My heart goes out to those who lose family members.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

In moderation

Not sure how much it takes to realize that there is a time to let go. I guess if we look at sign posts along the way it will become clear. I apparently need a battering ram. When it comes to visualizing a future my vision is 220/20 in both eyes. I can't believe that I am so happy due to a silly mix up on the phone. I was supposed to do a 12 hour shift tonight. Someone else is doing the first four. Happy....You bet! Four unplanned hours to myself. Like a dream.
Puppy is happy. Too many long hours for her to be alone. I can rest before I go in...a rarity. Time to think about how I want to live my life for the rest of my life.
Last week, one of my working badges fell apart. Poor quality was my thought. Then I leaned against a table and broke another one. Time to start thinking that maybe the universe is telling me something.
Thinking about what makes me feel content always comes back to the same theme. I am working with women, teaching them to find the pathways in life, sharing what I know and learning, still learning what I can. It makes no sense to run through the best years of your life carrying so many burdens. We can't have lived our lives to now thinking 'is this all there is?'

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Crescent moon post

Dear Diary...sigh....
Another weekend gone. I am still in waiting mode, unable to get my life back to normal. Not my hubby's fault. He is also gone, not living at home, part time husband, part time patient. The travel is long and arduous and plans are so hard to make.
Meetings with people I don't know and don't care about, no extra money and on and on. Where does it all end?
On the upside, Tarot classes are going well. I had forgotten how much I love cards. I gave the women five reasons for wanting to purchase cards. Love of Art was on the list. Recently, against my better judgement, because I have over 100 tarot decks, I bought another. It is the new Vampire deck. Why? Well I love Bram Stoker's dracula. The deck is based on his story. One of the court cards has Pamela Coleman Smith and anyone who knows Tarot knows her. She is a hero to modern readers. And, if not she should be. I am balancing the Tarot and the travel and of course, I am writing again because it is the only thing which keeps my mind in the present.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Accessing friendship as a great resource

It has been such a hectic week. Change always seems to make everything bigger, harder, more complex. I suppose fatigue does the same but at least with change there is hope.
This week has been spent thinking about the wonderful ways in which friends support us. I once had the greatest friend in the world. She has passed on to summerland, as I like to call the after life. She taught me the real meaning of friendship. Even in death she has managed to draw on her energies to connect people. I thank her for returning a former friend to me. She is one of the few who can share stories of days past.
I am thankful for the friends I have now who worry about me coping with the change. I have learned to accept their support and know that I don't have to be the one to provide help.
My beautiful clematis are on the bloom. Someone commented that the purple ones look like neon. They are so bright and shiny. I love clematis. It is a creeping plant which flowers endlessly in the summer. Dr. Edward Bach used it for one of his flower remedies for 'spacey children' not paying attention, and those out of sync with life. That would be me now. I will post pictures of my flowers next time. Today I am just taking it easy.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Evaluating the change

It is the beginning of a new month. Things are a little brighter. I guess that I am getting used to the running up and down or perhaps it is just better because I have today off and I can consider the past weeks a success.
My hubby has transitioned into rehab care in quite a lovely facility. Everyone is older. The rehab is part of a seniors home. When you are already a senior, the residents are your peers. If you are 20 and with a 35 year old, the differences are so marked. At 68 and 85, the difference is less marked. Therefore, you can see yourself in decline rather than recovering. It is important to not get caught up in seeing yourself in this vision of aged and debilitated. It impedes recovery.
Last night I saw an elderly man freewheeling himself,( pushing himself with his feet in a wheel chair) hugging two teddy bears to his chest. He asked me if I was lost. I was. I got off on the wrong floor. I could eventually right myself. He never will.
There has been a lot of time for reflection, not in the way I am used to but in a life altering way. I wasn't ready for that a month ago. Now I am.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Regaining ground

When you have been off your feet for awhile, it is hard to get back up and move on. I am watching my hubby take those very small steps that will get him back. A move today from one room and floor to another will be a setback. surroundings are hugely important in feeling like you are making progress. When you are moved from a nice room with good care to one less well cared for and staff who don't approach their job with a feeling of self worth then it impacts the sense of well being for their patients.
My goal will be to get him out of there as quickly as possible. Depression is a big part of delaying the healing process. Since he suffers from these overwhelming bouts of sadness from time to time, I will have to watch him carefully.
Thankful for the writing which continues to help me to cope.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Coping with a major change in circumstance.

Tired, tired, tired.
Is there any hope for pain relief in the shoulder?
Well lots of folks have called offering to help. I am accepting all resources. Sleep is a good thing. I can't believe I am even too tired to write....but I am. Hubby is better but still in a lot of pain.
Hmmm....a new element on the periodic table. How about that. Watch Rachel Maddow...she is brilliant.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

A Long Day!

It has been a long day. Funny how you miss someone most when you start to do the little things. All the chores that my hubby would be doing are now done by me. the beautiful orchids finally blooming in the living room and lovely because he takes care of them. the cat pan needs attention. It's sunday! The house needs to be cleaned. Who will cook dinner for me? that would be the least of my worries for the day. I can get Mr. Chow, Col Saunders, Mario, Crabby Joe to provide the meal but I will miss the uniquely Jamaican flavour.
Hard to write, to focus to do anything. Just step by step.....He's doing better. He was up today, walking a little. Well, he is disciplined and motivated. I hope he will be able to cope and get over the shock. That will be the hard part.
Got to get back to my writing.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Ok...what a week! My shoulder feels like something constantly in a wringer. It hurts in a very strange way. The pain of May, which was acute and biting, has been replaced by a nerve pain, twisting turning and pulling inside my shoulder. Obviously a nerve ending having a good time in there.
It is similar to what I had when cancer surgery held me years ago. Why am I reliving this now? What is the lesson needed. Maybe none, but truth is that I simply need to rest more.
I am writing here too about my husband who was injured in a car crash this past week. My shoulder pain is nothing compared to the acute agony which he is suffering but still I must bear mine just as he must bear and overcome his own. Rehab sits on his horizon and it may be long and trying but he is a determined man.
I added a new chapter to my story. In response from my readers, they like the character who is a wonderful delightful catalyst to move the story forward. So between the writing and visiting my time will be full...what to give up? Dunno...

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Web Connections

The web is really an incredible place. The writing that I do on fanfic and fiction press is seen by so many people around the world. From Canada to UAE and Singapore, there are hits to my stories. I would love to connect with people around the world who read my stories. I wonder if they read to learn English or they just enjoy the stories. Who are they? I sometimes read other's postings too. Hard to tell where people live unless they put in all their details.

Just an extra note. I officiate at weddings. Most times I love it! I like doing it all the time. What makes the difference between the loving and the liking is two fold. Brides who are on top of their service by creating something they truly like impress me. Women who come to their groom with confidence and hope and deep abiding love bring tears to my eyes. I saw one of these women yesterday. She was magnificent.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Just a reminder

The Tarot deck will be Hecate's Secrets. It will be the woman's journey and her many faces...tout les visages d'amour. We are so much more than just our faces or bodies.

Putting together a reasonable quotient

Today was a wonderful day for staying home. Did I? Not at all. I spent a good portion of it on the road in my home town. It was great to be in Toronto. I wanted to stay. The crossroads of my life is coming to a head. I can feel it in the wind and rain.
The writing continues to fill my head, the prep is delicious, as if working the majick of scenarios helps to give voice to my own needs and wishes.
Ok, the cards are also wonderful. I want to help my friend to realize this goal. Her spirit cries out for expression. Mine needs to see everything of my life immortalized.
I move on.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Today I have begun to work seriously on creating my own tarot deck. The deck is of course going to be related to the music of my heart. Its life starts with the journey. I will have to make the songs fit, by simply listening to them with new ears and finding the words which bring them to life. The rest I leave to AP to bring to life. She is talented.
Hearts rule, elements rule. We spent quality time together getting to know each other. She will have to bring to life a dream i shared with someone else. I believe she can.
My story continues on BATB. I can see this one coming to an end soon. I hope for a crazy kind of ending that will knock socks off. I can't see the ending yet but it is on the horizon. Another long drive will help me get in touch with the characters.
A/V/

Friday, May 22, 2009

writing as a good therapy

There has been nothing in my life to compare with the thrill of putting pen to paper and posting my stories online. Yes, I wanted to be a writer. In high school it was my passion. Idon't know why I lost it. I had other dreams, which were partially fulfilled. There is so much more I would like to do.
What is it I love about writing. It gives me an opportunity to express myself and parts of my personality which I have kept hidden. Ah secrets.
Yes, some of the stories contain bits and pieces of the experiences of many others. I was happy to share their stories somehow. Everyone does have something to say. Not all can express it well. If I have done a bit of that then I thank them for sharing their thoughts with me.
What I love about fanfiction and fiction press is the ability to see the stats and to know that someone in Jordan, or Denmark or Thailand is reading my story. It doesn't matter if you want to read it to get some colloquial English or whether you are moved by my stories, thank you for reading it. I feel the network which starts here.